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Welcome to Heaven Dwyane

Though NBA teams cannot “officially” start courting impending free agents until July, I can. So Dwyane Wade, let me be the first to welcome you to an unforgettable destination. Your next home. Let’s just call it, heaven.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “What about LeBron?” And fair enough. But Los Angeles doesn’t want LeBron. The greatest city in America wants YOU.

(*Editor’s note: L.A. definitely does want LeBron.)

(And technically, San Diego is the best city in the U.S. but let’s not split hairs here…)

People tend to forget Dwyane, that it was YOU, not LeBron, who carried a team to a title in 2006. Or maybe they haven’t forgotten, but they just don’t care. Well, the Clippers sure remember that series and how you carried a three-ton hippopotamus on your back, in route to the championship.

Or was that Shaq?

It was probably Shaq. Tough to tell though.

It’s easy for some to overlook you in favor of Cleveland’s finest, he does have the stature of a T-Rex after all, but Clipperland isn’t sure why. You are a prize. Any other offseason, roughly a score of teams would be camping out at your current Miami doorstep to court you. But 2010 seems to be different for some reason. Maybe it’s because you don’t have a flashy moniker like The King. Oh wait, that’s right, you totally do. It’s Flash.

Or perhaps your commercials aren’t funny enough…

“Wake up Dwyane. You know who it is!”

Hmm, no dice there either, aye?

I know it couldn’t be because of your skill level or potential.  Right now, seven years in, you already have the skill set of Kobe Bryant. The mature version, not the brash ball-hog. You don’t have the potential to reach those heights, you’re there NOW. So what is your upside? I’m not really sure, but know this: I’m slightly terrified at the thought of you better than you already are.

I’m talking sliding down the boat’s deck, towards the shark, in the final scene of Jaws terrified. YIKES.

What’s that you say Dwyane? The Clips already have a young up-and-coming shooting guard in Eric Gordon?

Not a problem sir. I’m sure, for you, Gordon would be more than happy to work on becoming the best sixth man he can be. A player like you doesn’t come around every year you know.

Over the past two years – at ages 27 and 28 – you have averages of right around 28-7-5. Gordon knows he cannot sniff those numbers.

So why Los Angeles? Other than a talented young core (Blake Griffin, Gordon, Baron Davis, Chris Kaman, DeAndre Jordan lottery pick X, mid-level exception guy Y), the Entertainment Capital of the World, phenomenal weather, great food, an immediate and winnable rivalry with Kobe as the town’s brightest star, potential championships, immense marketability (not that you aren’t already marketable, just more so in L.A.), beaches and chicks? Lots and LOTS of chicks Dwyane.

You know. Why Los Angeles, OTHER than for those reasons?

It boggles the mind Dwyane. It boggles the mind.

And not sure if you’re into the whole ego thing, but if you want, you can totally pick your next coach. The sky is the limit. You name him, he’s hired.

As if you needed additional reasoning, when you pull that Clippers jersey over your ripped shoulders for the first time, you’ll immediately know what it feels like to completely change the course of a tortured franchise. One STARVED for attention. Well, positive attention anyway.

Do you have any idea how much energy you’ll infuse into the Clipper fan base, just by signing on the dotted line? A fan base – yes, there really are fans – that will balloon in size the very second you are introduced, like Optimus Prime morphing from an already large semi-truck, to an enormous crime-fighting robot.

You too can heroically save the earth around you.

Laker fans have always been big-time merch buyers, but Clips fans… not so much. That will change once you come to town. You’ll scarcely be able to walk down the street without seeing dozens of fans in Laker or D-Wade Clippers garb. Talk about an economic stimulus package for Southern California!

Do it Dwyane. Come to paradise. The Clippers need you. You may not be The King, but no one in L.A. cares. Your kingdom awaits you.

Come dazzle us Flash.

(*Editor’s note: All that said, LeBron is more than welcome as well. Whatever. Shoot me. Clippers fans aren’t greedy. We’d take either one of these future Hall of Famers.)

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