The Ultimate Super Bowl Preview Chat: Bates vs. Nevares
The greatest week of the year is upon us; or at least the greatest week in February. The Super Bowl in all its splendor is here. Yes, literally here, in your living room, office or coffee shop where you are reading this piece of brilliance.
Regardless, the game is too big for just one writer to conquer. We need two. Nick Nevares, COME ON DOWN!
I invited Mr. Match.com to join me for an e-chat, for all things Super Bowl related and of course several things that have very little or nothing to do with the big game.
I know, I know, the fact that he put down the Personals long enough to focus on sports, shocked me too. Hence our lead photo of Kim Kardashian.
Speaking of whom, what would be a realistic over-under for total paragraphs before the Kardashians are brought up anyway? Four? Fewer? More? Couldn’t be more, the under would be a lock. I think four sounds about right.
Here we go…
Ben: Let’s get this mess started, Relationship Boy.
No pulling punches dirty man, start strong and end with grit.
Who wins the big one, Nick?
Nick: Umm, Saints.
Ben: So you’re buying the, Who Dat? Nation… Sounds about right.
Nick: Running backs who are more balanced, no major injury concerns, hard to stop offense.
Ben: Clearly Jeremy Shockey and his American Flag tattoo doesn’t factor significantly enough into the Saints attack, for you.
And though I know it’s early yet, I’m surprised I haven’t seen you mention Kim Kardashian’s rump as a lead blocker.
(Would you look at THAT! If you picked the OVER you’re the big winner of today’s chat!)
CLEAR THE PATH FOR REGGIE!
Nick: Dude she is so hot now. Losing weight was the best thing to happen to her.
Ben: So since a big part of the Super Bowl fun is all the zany prop bets, what would an attractive Mr. Match.com/Kim K. prop bet look like?
Nick: Your creativity is beyond me on this one.
Ben: C’mon now, that was a bigger cop out than the Tracy Morgan/ Bruce Willis action-comedy casting, in that trailer Fox keeps showing.
(True story, after a little research we found out that mockery of a movie is ACTUALLY called, Cop Out. You can’t make this stuff up.)
Nick: Yeah, that is gorgeous.
Are we saying like how many seconds can i talk to K… before i pass out?
Ben: How about number of e-mails sent by Mr. Match, before Kim’s lawyer gets involved?
Nick: Ah indeed.
Ben: For the record, I think three gets the job done. Maybe two, depending on how desperate you sound. I also think Reggie would run you over with his Land Rover. Or would that be Joe McKnight? To be honest, I’m easily confused. The number of former Trojan running backs who drove some random dealer/booster’s luxury car or took money to purchase one is astounding.
But at least their coach didn’t flee to Seattle…
Causing the school to hire a degenerate former assistant who couldn’t finish a single year in Tennessee without NCAA rule massaging…
So back to the game, you do watch sports right?
Nick: I do.
Ben: Are you buying the Saints offense over the Colts, or do you just think the Indy Def. is that bad?
Or is this the perfect storm where things are just lining up for the Saints?
Nick: The defense is just that bad, especially with Freeney killing their pass rush.
Ben: But realistically, how much would a semi-healthy Freeney even have affected this game? One sack? A couple of hurries?
Isn’t this an, “anything goes” type of shootout either way?
Nick: Yeah but I think in that sense, the rush, the sack, that one turnover is the big kicker.
Ben: Well clearly, this is a game where the last QB with the ball in his hands should win it, thus turnovers will be key. But that’s about as helpful as saying, “Whoever scores the most points will win the game,” or “Whoever forgets to play while wearing cleats will surely get their toes mangled.”
Give me something real to bank on.
Nick: I like Manning’s leadership, I just prefer Brees’ options.
Ben: Who does turns it over more, Manning or Brees?
Nick: Brees actually, I’d say.
Ben: Wow, but you still like New Orleans’ supporting cast’s girth and explosive tendencies enough to bang it home?
/I knew you’d bring this back to Kardashian somehow.
Nick: Yeah because i think they can just deal with it. I don’t see Manning being the difference maker and I’m not intrigued by Indy outside of Peyton.
(Always will love that behind.)
Ben: I know Kim has Reggie and Khloe has Lamar Odom; isn’t there a third sister? Maybe you could get in on that action.
Nick: Yeah there is Kourtney.
She has a baby and a baby-daddy.
Ben: Hasn’t stopped you before…
I’ve said too much.
Nick: Haha, right right.
Ben: I know you haven’t had much Mr. Match.com luck lately.
Nick: I have a second date with a gal tomorrow, thank you.
Ben: You are leading me down a dangerous path Nevares, setting me up for easy, semi-offensive jokes, but I won’t succumb to your temptations.
Nick: Ah, well i am un-phased by your commentary. I am too strong for you.
Ben: Not even sure what that means, but I have to say, I’m not sure I buy into your Saints logic.
For these reasons:
1.) The Saints look too happy just being there. It’s like they’ve already accomplished all they need to for their city and fans. Sure a championship would be great, but just getting there is so far beyond the expectations for that franchise, it seems to be enough.
Nick: It’s the Who Dat? Nation dawg! They deserve it.
Ben: I swear, I’m going to severe your typing fingers with a battle axe.
Just, stop it.
Where was I?
2.) Peyton Manning is relentless. Can you honestly see that guy letting this game get away from him? His offense is as healthy as it has been ALL YEAR. Joseph Addai even kind of has a pulse.
Typing that sentence shocks me so much, I just peed on my leg.
3.) It’s not like the Saints have a great defense. Greg Williams made them better, Peyton has struggled the last three times he faced a Williams defense, yada yada yada… but these guys just aren’t that good.
Nick: Yeah, I guess I accept that logic, but I just don’t really know at this point.
Ben: Manning will rip them apart in the second half.
Nick: I am just thinking that the Saints are gonna get it, give it time, the world will give this to New Orleans.
Ben: You are the anti-Paul Shirley. I like that in you Nick.
Nick: I am indeed.
Ben: But the other problem is that Brees’ receivers have had a case of the yips lately.
What happened to Colston against Minny?
Nick: They didn’t need him.
All things in due time.
Ben: And Robert Meachem and Devery Henderson? You feel GOOD about those guys?
Nick: Garcon and Collie?
Ben: But isn’t that the point? Two young guys whom have totally stepped up. Pierre Garcon had the biggest game of his life in the AFC Championship against the Jets.
Nick: Brees can give those boys that same chance.
Ben: Which Pierre plays a bigger role in Miami?
Thomas isn’t going be the big deal.
Reggie is way more important for sure.
Ben: But he only rushes like THREE TIMES a game!
Nick: That doesn’t matter to me.
Ben: Reggie Bush is definitely the Mark Reynolds of football.
Ben: He either hits two jacks or has four K’s in a given game.
He’s either ON, or completely invisible.
Ben: Britton mentioned that point two weeks ago after Reggie’s big game against the Vikes.
Of course he was doing so because he’s terrified that the big game Bush had against Arizona, might end up swaying us to keep him AGAIN this year, for one of our Keeper League teams.
But still. Seems legit.
Nick: Haha, you love bush.
… and i mean it like that.
Ben: Gosh, you’re like a child.
Another Super Bowl related thing I’ve been pondering a lot lately: Peyton’s place in history.
Here we are, two 49ers fans. But is it possible Nick? Could Manning be as good as or BETTER than Joe Cool? And if he’s close, what would this Super Bowl mean to his legacy?
(While you answer, I’ll press pause to go fix myself a rocky road sundae.)
Nick: Never say that!
He is a great man and he’s up there, but no one touches Joe because I am biased and will not allow it.
I would like to see him win because I think he’s a good dude and deserves to be up there ahead of Elway.
Ben: What do you have against John? Did he pinch one off in your California burrito or something? But, I do agree that a second title would cement Manning above Elway.
Ben: I’ll probably end up writing a column, ranking the great QBs of yester-years, but how much does the sheer number of titles factor in?
Example: Terry Bradshaw has four, but you’d never put him above Elway, Manning, Brady or Aikman would you?
And as hilarious as that, “check out how big mine is” interaction between Boomer Esiason and Dan Marino was on CBS last year, I think you’d be hard pressed to convince me that Bradshaw was BETTER than Marino.
Then again, four rings to none…
Nick: I think the number of rings, is nothing to me.
Get one or two, and then it’s like, ah who cares?
Ben: Does winning ONE matter though?
Nicholas: Yeah and Bradshaw is a #### too, I don’t support that.
Ben: (Rewrite that so our readers don’t think you’re a bigot, please.)
Nicholas: Umm, Bradshaw is a balding weirdo and it really upsets me to see him have any sort of pleasure in his life.
Ben: (Uncontrollably laughing right now…)
What would Peyton have to do to overwhelm you away from your Montana crush and also how jealous are you that my wife was working a flight that he was on two weeks ago?
Nick: Become a Niner. Unless he does that, he is just the second best QB to ever live, Joe is my childhood and all things beautiful in this world. His time as a Golden Domer just contributes to that.
Ben: I hope Charlie Weiss sits on your face, and lets a gnarly one rip loose, singeing your nose hairs. Then I hope he shoves your head into his sweaty pits. You deserve it.
Nick: Mike also offers, until Peyton wins four, it does not matter. He cannot touch Joe, because the stats and rings cannot hang.
Ben: You might want to introduce, “Mike” since you are using him as someone significant in your corner. You can’t use new characters without introducing them to your audience.
(*Editor’s Note: Last spring Nick announced mid-way through the year, to the Not in HD Fantasy Baseball Keeper League, that he suddenly had a co-owner, named “Mike.” From then on without actually saying so, it was understood that “Mike” wasn’t a real person, just a figment of Nick’s imagination, or better yet, an alter-ego much like Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho. Hence the quotes around the name, “Mike.”)
(Also, apparently Nick has like thirty friends named, “Mike.” It really doesn’t matter which, “Mike” you are referring to. Always use quotes. ALWAYS.)
Nick: The roommate, fellow Niners fan and knowledge guru in all the lore, “Mike” counters all Peyton arguments. And he is now lighting up Tom Brady just for leisure.
Ben: Well since our Super Bowl chat has predictably turned into Niner Talk, I’d say our time is just about up.
I’m sticking with the Colts on Sunday, thanks to Peyton’s laser-rocket-arm.
You still taking the Saints? I can’t talk you out of your totally-doomed, pick?
Nick: Yeah i am totally sticking with what works for me.
I know Drew and his cheek wart will dominate.
Ben: Let no one ever call you anything if not classy, Nevares.
Nick: Yeah, I always hold it down for the dignity and the honor.