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State of the (Sports) Union Address

In joining the millions of American’s watching President Obama’s State of the Union Address I couldn’t help but notice how funny it looks to have a standing – or at least, half-standing) – ovation every second or third sentence. Where else does that happen? Certainly not in sports.

Can you imagine if Brett Favre gave a State of the Union?

“It has come to my attention, (small pause)…

(Sportswriters rise into a half-stand, half-squat crouch, ears perking up in anticipation.)

… that the time has come (fake pause)

(aAAAahhhhhh….. whisperwhisperwhisper…)

to make a decision.”

(CLAPCLAPCLAP YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!!!!!!!)

Or what if Jerry Jones gave one?

“In the past ye’r, the Dallas Cow-BAAAWS, played well, but cert’n’ly, deed nawt, meet MAY expecTAY’shuns.”

(Perplexed looks…)

But Way’d Phillups… (dramatic pause)

(Sports writers rise.)

… will be… (another pause)…

(Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasppppppp……….)

… the head footbawl coach…. (walks away from the podium to buy a Pepsi)…

(Mouths agape, Joe Buck scratching himself.)

… of the Oakland Raiders.”

(CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!)

(Chris Mortenson poops himself.)

(CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP… eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww something smells like sweaty Under Armor!!!)

(Jones seemingly has more to say, but just stands there smirking, flashing a Super Bowl Ring.)

Even better. Think of the complete hysteria we’d see if LeBron James gave the Address…

“Hello people.”

(OHDEARGOD!!!!!!!!!!CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP HE TALKED!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!!!!)

“Hold on now… (hand up, waving writers down)”

(OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHhh……….MMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYyyyyyyyy……. WORD!)

(It goes without saying that clapping is happening.)

“In the summer of…”

(LeBron’s words are drowned out with a roaring cacophony of heads exploding, blood curling screams, excited puking and people losing their bowels.)

I’d ask what it would sound like if Gilbert Arenas gave the speech, but he’d probably just put his guns on the table. A little stale, no?

So what about C.C. Sabathia? Now THAT would be an interesting State of the Union.

“Since 2oo1, New York (pause)…

(East coast writers nod while those from the west coast shake their heads.)

… hasn’t experienced as much success as we would have liked.”

(Clapping commences, but halfheartedly, as most in the crowd wonder why he said, “we” since he spent most of that time pitching in Cleveland. But they probably give him a pass and cheer anyway.)

“But in 2009 all that changed.”

(CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!)

(Clapping immediately ceases as one extra-large, Sasquatch of a New Yorker, unclothes, and streaks around the room.)

(One can only assume eventually he’d be tasered.)

“But (re-composing himself)… I’m not stopping at one championship.

(Blah blah blah, lots of clapping, etc…)

“I’m going for the Nathan’s Coney Island Hot Dog Eating title.)”

(Confused cheering.)

“The World PB and Banana Eating crown.”

(A few scattered claps, but mostly puzzled faces.”

“The Andy Reid Tub of Margarine CLASSIC championship!”

(STANDING OVATION AS EVERYONE CHEERS.)

“I will not stop there, but I can’t list anymore, I need a hot fudge sundae. Or eight.”

Yeah, it’s probably a good thing that we have only one State of the Union Address each year and that only the President gets to give it. Athletes, coaches, owners and sports writers would only mess it up.

Happy Union-ing everyone. And as always… YES. WE. CAN.

(Everyone reading this column stands to applaud my writing. They are PLEASED. YOU are PLEASED.)

(Thank you and good night.)

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