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The Honesty Zone

As I sit here sipping my extra hot latte, with cinnamon sprinkled foam, occasionally dipping something called a truffle pop (cookie dough dipped in dark chocolate, on a stick) into my beverage; I can’t help but ponder why our society inevitably eschews from the truth so often. Especially in the world of sports.

Think about it. Off the top of my head, many of the biggest current stories have a layer of doubt or deceit overshadowing them. McGwire’s steroids admission? The Tiger and Elin bash? Lane Kiffin’s antics in Knoxville? Donald Sterling blowing up that alien space station because one of the aliens didn’t pay rent on time, therefore meaning all aliens are dirty, un-trustable scum-bags and shouldn’t be permitted to lease apartments?

(Ok, I made that last part up, but I think I’d believe almost anything hate-related, when it comes to the owner of the Clippers.)

Each of those topics have left us with a layer of doubt, which is why I’m introducing the Honesty Zone. Where lies don’t exist. Only the truth survives.

When we dive into the Honesty Zone, together we will explore the depths of history; flies on the wall, observing interactions as they REALLY happened. No stone will go unturned. EVERYTHING is in play. Well, almost everything. We won’t talk about Ty Cobb sliding spikes high into second, attempting to slash the leg of Jackie Robinson and the words exchanged thereafter. Racism isn’t funny people. But everything ELSE is in play.

Our journeys will enable us to see the athletes, coaches, announcers and groupies/band-aids/whatever you want to call the ring of chicks Tiger hooked up with, through the helpful hands of, “special event planners,” as they really were. We will see how things really happened.

(*Note: Ignore everything Ben just said. NotinHD.com doesn’t want to get sued. Everything you are about to read is a complete and utter fabrication of the truth. Distorted reality at its finest. This is a humor column. Deal with it.)

So what will we discover on this particular trip into the Honesty Zone? I want to know what really happened in the McGwire/Canseco/La Russa saga. Did Canseco really inject Big Mac? If so, did La Russa know about it, or is he telling the truth when he claims he was never aware of juicing in his clubhouse? What really happened between the Bash Brothers and why the cover-up for so many years?

There’s only one way to find out…

Today we go back in time, to the year 1992, the month of April… into the Honesty Zone. Stare deeply into the Honesty Zone spiral. Feel yourself drifting towards the truth…

Honnnnnneeeeeeeesty Zoooooonnnnneeeeeeeeeee…………

— Oakland, CA, 1992 —

(Scene set in Oakland Athletics shower…)

Rickey Henderson: (singing) All I wanna do is zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom…

… Just shake your rump!

Dave Henderson: Rickey… seriously. SHUT. UP.

Rickey: C’mon Dave. Sing it with me! This song’s gonna be enormous! UH, UH! SHAKE YOUR RUMP! (Wiggles soaking wet bare butt at Dave. Slaps it…)

SHAKE YOUR RUMP!

Dave: You are one weird guy. (Turns off his water.) That’s it for me Rick. I wanna have a good season, meaning I need to get away from your crazy.

(Leaves shower area, as Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco enter.)

Canseco: Hey Rickey, scram will ya?

Rickey: “Zoom zoom zoom, boom boom boom, UH UH! SHAKE YOUR RUMP!

Canseco: O-K.

Thank you Honesty Zone. We now know Rickey Henderson's favorite jam of 1992.

McGwire: Don’t even worry about him Jose. He won’t even notice. Besides, even if he does, who will believe him? Who in their right mind listens to Rickey Henderson?

Rickey: (Still singing) Check, baby, check, baby, 1-2-3-4!

Canseco: Yeah, you’re right Mac. Plus, no one’s gonna hear us in here with this wacko hollering. Maybe he should stay. Let’s get started.

(Turns on water.)

Take off your towel Mac.

McGwire: Jose, I just don’t know about this.

Canseco: Mac, common, don’t worry. It won’t hurt. I’ve done it with lots of guys. BIG guys. STRONG guys. You have nothing to worry about. It’s a really tiny needle. You won’t even feel it. No harm, no foul, right?

McGwire: But what will my family think? I have a son, Jose. I don’t want to have to cover this up my entire life.

Canseco: (Whips off McGwire’s towel, right as Tony La Russa walks past the shower area…) What your family doesn’t know won’t hurt them. You are your own man.

La Russa: (Stops, frozen in horror.)

Canseco: Bend over big guy. It’s go-time.

Rickey: SHAKE YOUR RUMP!!! SHAKE YOUR RUMP!!! SHAKE YOUR RUMP!!! (Clearly tickled with himself, laughing like a crazy person.)

McGwire: Ok.

(Slowly bends over.)

Just don’t hurt me Jose. I’m already in pain, I’m doing this to make the pain go away. Remember that.

La Russa: (Rubbing his eyes, blinking them shut and popping them back open wide, to make sure he’s not hallucinating…)

Canseco: Just a little prick. I’ve done it a hundred times. The little pain you feel will be worth it. You’ll feel GREAT after.

Hold on Mac, I need a glove for sanitary reasons.

McGwire: Hey, you’re the pro Jose. Whatever you need to make this happen. I’m like a rookie here. I guess you’re right man. Go ahead and stick me.

La Russa: (Muttering to himself…) What in the Hell kind of freak show am I running here? No way… no way, no way, no way!

(Gets himself together and scampers back to his office.)

Where’s my rum? I’ve GOT to erase this from my mind. Or trade Canseco. One of the two.

Canseco: (Sticks McGwire with a small needle.)

McGwire: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Slaps his hand over his mouth to muffle the noise.)

WHY GOD WHY?!?!?

Rickey: (Dancing…) It’s called rump shaker, the piece is like sweeter than candy. I’m feelin’ manly and you say it’s comin’ in handy!

SHAKE YOUR RUMP

(Doing the robot…)

SHAKE YOUR RUMP!!!

(Switches to the running man…)

SHAKE YOUR RUMP!!!

La Russa: (In his office… ferociously pouring shots.)

Not in HD feels for what Tony La Russa THOUGHT he saw through the Honesty Zone's truth-spiral. Makes you shudder.

Dave: (Knocks on La Russa’s door.)

Hey Skip, you wanted to see me?

La Russa: Now’s not a good time Dave.

Dave: But I’m the biggest bash brother of them all. And you wanted to see me. Besides, I think there’s something you should know about.

La Russa: Get. Out. Now.

Just go.

Dave: Coach I think you need to know that Canseco and McGwire are in the shower right now doing…

La Russa: (cuts him off) … I know Dave. I know what those guys are doing. I saw them. My eye balls now bleed with aneurysms. If that’s even possible. And now we both have to pretend like it never happened. This could be one of the biggest stories in baseball history, were it to get out.

Dave: They should be almost finished. Canseco’s procedure doesn’t take long. Usually just about 30 seconds. You want me to send them in?

La Russa: YOU TOO DAVE!?! No. God no. They can’t know I saw them. And you shouldn’t either.

Dave: Sorry Skip. Too many of us do. Canseco’s gotten to too many of us.

La Russa: I don’t want to hear it. Tell Jose to act more discretely. He has no idea what kind of hurricane he is probably causing.

Dave: Will do sir.

La Russa: Crap. Now I’m going to have to get rid of the bunch of you. Mac’s the best hitter I’ve ever seen.

Take a hike Dave.

(Dave Henderson leaves the office.)

What am I going to do?

(Takes another shot.)

Act like it never happened.

It. Never. Happened.

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  1. wstuchell
    January 27, 2010 at 12:25 AM

    WOW BEN….. WOW. Even with this plethora of evidence you have now given us, Britton will still be convinced that it is me who will shock a banquet.

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