Tiger Earns $1-Billion as the Rest of America Sighs
So Tiger Woods broke the billion-dollar barrier on the PGA Tour aye?
America is thrilled to pieces. Really.
No, not really. We’re thrilled to tears.
On the plus side, perhaps El Tigre can front the next bailout for whichever Fortune 500 company massively screws up next. No? Well, it was a thought.
But maybe the best golfer on the planet might be willing to share the wealth a little even so. Maybe… just maybe… perhaps if I spruce up the ol’ resume, I might be able to intrigue the Tigre by offering him something irresistible. Hmm. Let’s see what I’ve got…
-Personal YouTube Video Poster
-Will personally plan humorous, degrading, self-endorsing clips for athlete, struggling to properly depict their personality via the typical media outlets. Most useful for those starved for attention.
*Important* Athlete must not be picky as to the nature of their new-founded public image. Hey, it worked for Stephon Marbury, it can work for you too.
No, wait, Tiger has that one covered quite nicely, come to think of it.
-Will educate and coach athlete, perfecting proper grudge holding techniques.
-Specializing in: sneers, insults, belittling, ego, judgement, elephant like memories.
(*Note: Majored in the Jordan Complex.)
-Focus on drawing attention to phenominal upper body and legs.
-Low cut tops, tight pants, lots of color, high heels.
(*Note: This position is for Elin, not Tiger.)
-Swing Coach Coordinator
-Will personally oversee swing coach transition, for the inevitable scenario leading to the resignation (or firing) of Hank Haney, as he swaps tutoring Tiger for the next young stud, or overweight alco-sugar-holic , with rage issues.
-Willing to travel the globe to exotic places – on the player’s dime – to find the next swing expert for him to boss around.
-Will require paid travel/ relaxation funds.
-Gatorade Lab Technician
-Will devote excruciating durations of time towards determined the best way for athlete to become, “G.”
-Will also run tests to find out once and for all, what “G” actually is.
-I assure the athlete, I will create a better signature flavor for his Gatorade line, than grape. It will not be difficult.
-Once a fan really snaps and breaks current caddy, Steve William’s kneecaps for being such a turd, I will take over his duties.
-Can and will make caddying cool by pantomiming the reeling in of a huge fish, as match clinching putts trickle towards the hole.
-Also will create and coordinate more exciting celebrations than the fist pump. The craps roll perhaps? The passing of the golf ball kidney stone? Or maybe even the Oprah Giveaway Show… “You’re watching the U.S. Open winner! And YOU’RE WATCHING THE U.S. OPEN WINNER!!! AND YOU’RE…” The possibilities are limitless really.
Tiger, just know that should you so generously choose me to share your fortune with, I offer you these things and so many more. And if you just need someone to bring Elin drinks and rub suntan lotion on her back, I will somehow find it in myself to do that for you as well.
(Ok, being married, I can’t actually do that one, but I’m willing to bet I could find a few million guys who would.)
So congratulations on your introduction to the billionaire club. Just don’t forget to bring me on-board.
I won’t regret it.