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King of Commenting Competition – First Five Participants

NotinHD-King of Commenting

Several months ago, I announced Not in HD’s first anual King of Commenting Competition. Well, with the MLB season winding down, it’s about time we unveil some of our participants.

Let me channel my best inner Tim McCarver to lay the groundwork:

“Now you see, NotinHD.com has five staff members and thus five votes for the exemptions. Each staff member gets a vote you see, so at the end of the post we should see five staff exemptions named. If for some reason we do not see five exemptions handed out by the end of this post, we will know, not all of the exemptions have been handed out.”

“Thanks Tim. And the one-one pitch to Pujols…”

I had to throw a little Joe Buck in at the end there. Sadly he’s the hot fudge on McCarver’s lactose free sundae.

For our first staff exemption let’s go to Dan Miller, standing by in some small town in Ohio’s boonies that I probably can’t pronounce.

Dan Miller:

“I’ve gotta go with a guy who lives on the other side of the world, but still chooses Not in HD for his American sports information.”

Dan has a great point. Anyone who lives in Korea but gets his sports jollies from us, is a fine vote by me. Before we disclose Dan’s pick let’s take a look at some of this fine young fellow’s work:

“For anyone who has actually lived with the Bates, we all know his “hetero” cred is thin to non-existent at most. The reason he loves the rub down picture is that he wishes he was the one in the picture.”

And…

“…Home Run derby on the other hand was quite terrifying. Imagine being stuck in a three feet wide hallway with nothing between you and the batter but open air. Then you soft toss a nerf basketball to the batter and just pray that you can move in time. Somehow there were no broken noses or glasses during this game. I consider that to be the most amazing part of it all. We were not hitting these balls softly, and we’re not talking about your light foam nerf basketball. We’re talking the hard packed ball that can get some serious speed on it.

I think the greatest fault we had was that nobody else partook in our grandeur. Ohh well, it will go down in History, in fact I’m still trying to find a way to play it here in Korea. I might have found a way.”

And one more for good measure…

“Now Doug, the reason that Ben is not allowed to watch a League of Their Own is not because of his unhealthy addiction to Rosie, it is because whenever Ben starts watching Baseball movies be they classics like Bull Durham or horrible like Fever Pitch, he starts wandering around pretending he is Kevin Costner. As a man who has seen the malady several times, I warn you, it is not pretty. All you hear him mutter is “clear the mechanism” as he wanders around aimlessly wondering what happened to his career.”

Needless to say this man is one who prospered his reputation by ripping me. A solid strategy might I add.

Dan Miller’s pick: wstuchell

But we all know him as Will.

Next up… Cory Ritzau.

Except this is the part where I tell you I lied. Not about choosing five participants for our competition, but about all of our staff members sending me their choices. Dan did, but he was the only one. Why? Good question.

Was this crazy chick Nick's date? Our sources say... yes.

Was this crazy chick Nick's date? Our sources say... yes.

Cory had work, a lot of work. Nick also has been dealing with a new job. That and he’s apparently dating a crazy chick, but don’t worry, he will probably introduce you soon. Britton has been largely unavailable due to many reasons.

So I will be making their nominations for them, and hopefully, in the spirit of each of them.

So here we go…

Cory Ritzau:

This is roughly what I’d expect Ritz to say about the exemption I’m assigning him:

“Really, I’d choose anyone whose sole purpose in commenting, is to ridicule Ben Bates in every post. It’s incredible. This guy is my hero.”

Thanks Cory. Really. You are great.

Let’s peak at a couple of this nomination’s comments:

“I can’t wait to be invited to your wedding to tell your new bride that you blogged about your Match.com experience. That’ll be the best best man speech ever.

Also, I think its hilarious that I work about 10 minutes MAX from where you live (and maybe work) and have been in nearly a dozen total leagues with you, yet if you walked past me at the Jamba Juice, I’d have no idea. Let’s keep it that way …”

Because I hate Ritzau and do not have any intention of honoring his rational for his choice, I thought I’d shake things up a bit and post someone ripping on a writer other than me. That particular dart was aimed at Nick Nevares.

“Rooting for the U.S. (as a typical underdog) is almost anti-American since we typically are the superpower in a majority of the world, athletic and non. At least we don’t have a king … except for the King of Commenting. Speaking of which …”

A bit cocky are we? Perhaps it will pay off yet.

Cory Ritzau’s pick: dwdowning619

But you can call him Doug.

Britton Dennis:

Britton typically goes for guys who flat-out come to play, and just find a way to get the job done, every time. Would that philosophy translate into commenting? I think it would.

This guy hasn’t been voicing his opinion on our website very long, but just about every comment he has left has been solid.

“Hey great to have you back… or anyone back for that matter. I think Bill Simmons works more than you guys do.”

See, I’m not sure if that was a compliment or a slap in the face. Maybe it was a kick in the groin.

Britton Dennis’ pick: stewmangi

Moving right along.

Nick Nevares:

Is this drunk Nick Nevares or his nomination? One can only wonder...

Is this drunk Nick Nevares or his nomination? One can only wonder...

Because Nick aimlessly wanders around drunk all the time (or at least plays video games like he’s on the hooch) I figure he would want to choose someone who does the same with their commenting.

There is no chance I’m going to post the origin of this next diddy in all of its entirety, but this is a small excerpt of a drunken rant; rants which have made this reader (and a friend of mine) infamous:

“Okay Ben, I’ll throw you a bone here. I figure that I can/should take the time to write a comment or two. (P.S. I’ve had 4 Red Stripes tonight and I’m currently working on my fifth, so we’ll see how “drunken” this rant actually turns out.)

So anyway, Ben, I have to say, you have done a great job in picking some pretty horrible players for the inaugural “notinhd.com” poop sundae blog. Now, even though I have already made my pick, I want to verbally destroy a couple of the other players before I reveal my choice of who should get the coveted “golden pooper scooper.” So, without further ado:

Geovany Soto. Okay man, I understand this is your sophomore year and often times, players don’t live up to their rookie years…but really man? This bad? I mean, last year, you played (and by played, I mean hit) well for a rookie and WELL for a catcher. But, where did that go? In my book, there are three possibilities of sophomore years for players. The first is the “playing better than their rookie year”, aka Josh Hamilton. The second is the “playing about the same as their rookie year”. I admit that I’m a little buzzed and I can’t think of an example for this. (Screw all of you who are judging me right now.) The third, and last, is the “playing worse than their rookie year”. Geovany, I’ll let you pick. Which category do you think you fit in right now? I’ll give you a hint: your new bunk-mate is Josh Barfield.”

All I can say is, wow. Just… wow.

Nick Nevares’ choice: Ryan Root

That leaves us with my pick. Of all of our fantastically cynical readers, who was able to pull my strings enough to gain my exemption?

At first it was a tough decision, so many good comments to wade through, but in the end one single piece of homerism swayed me.

“We did it! we got the first pick!!! woohoo. I am still a little worried Dunleavy may end up drafting Hasheem because he already has randolph. And he is in fact capable of such a ridiculous act. But hopefully Davis, Gordon, Thorton, Griffin and the injury twins may get us back to the playoffs? We are one randolph trade/Dunleavy firing away from being a decent squad! Go clips!”

I can now say I know of three Clipper fans other than myself: Ritz, Billy Crystal and now this guy.

Ben Bates’ choice: kmldog777

Also known as Kevin Le Duc.

So there you have it. Our first five participants in the King of Commenting Competition. Think you should be one of the final three commentors, yet to be named?

Well, this would be a great place to start.

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  1. wstuchell
    September 24, 2009 at 10:14 PM

    I would like to take this moment to thank the staff writers at Not in HD for this wonderful honor. Just being able to compete with the likes of ALF, Mr. Match, Stewie, and Downy Soft is like being able to play a game of pickup Basketball with quadriplegics.

  2. dwdowning619
    September 25, 2009 at 8:06 AM

    It’s an honor to make the top 5 … out of what 5? Good for me.

    You say you want three more? Is this going to be a tournament? My body of work (and body) speak for themselves. My body of work says I’m the champ based on reliable content and humor with consistent posts. My body says “More beer, less lettuce”.

  3. wstuchell
    September 26, 2009 at 3:38 AM

    While Downy Soft is definitely correct about his consistent posting I must point out that I too am a consistent commentator. However, given that consistency is not the name of the game, and sheer excellence is…….

  4. stewmanji
    September 28, 2009 at 2:17 PM

    If consistency was important than this blog would not exist. Therefore we have to go with something else. Sheer Excellence might be a good start, but that sounds like a brand of women’s hosery that Doug would buy for extra support. So my competition seems to be a guy who constantly refrences people with disabilities and handicaps and a guy whose job is at a virtual university. I guess this is an honor to be nominated for this “award.” It is slightly less embarssing to put on a resume then actually writing for Not in HD. Thanks?

  5. dwdowning619
    September 29, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    Stew, Stew, Stew. Accuracy actually matters here in NotinHD.com-landia. I do not work for a “virtual university” but for a company that owns two universities with real, live campuses with real live students (and a 9-0-1 soccer team at one of them).

    On the bright side, it’s hard to make fun of you because you work for GOD Inc. Quite the retirement plan that guy has from what I hear …

  6. kmldog777
    November 10, 2009 at 11:52 PM

    Was there a previous tournament I was never informed of?

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