Home > MLB, Poop Sundaes > Poop Sundae Nominees: July 2009

Poop Sundae Nominees: July 2009

Banana Split

Is it really August 12th already? Wow, I’m more than a little tardy on the July Poop Sundae nominations, but I have a great reason why: My fantasy baseball keeper league’s trade deadline.

I’ve also been prepping for multiple football drafts, including my new auction dynasty league.

Yes, I know, I’m a sad little fantasy sports nerd.  But that’s why you love me.

(What do you mean no it’s not?)

(Whatever… jerks.)

If you read the Not in HD Goody Bag blog, you’re likely expecting some serious changes to the Poops as you once knew them.

(If you don’t know what a Poop Sundae is, read this, then rejoin us…)

The general concept of rewarding the MLB player who had the worst month with a Poop Sundae, will not change. Nor will the number of monthly nominees, which will still be ten.

The most notable alteration will be how the winner is determined. Instead of riding on the will of the masses, I shall choose the unlucky soul. Should you want to continue voicing your opinion on a deserving party (vote or no vote) by all means, proceed. I may even take your opinions into account.

Buuut, I probably won’t.

Let’s go to the June winner…

June 2009 Poop Sundae Winner:

KELLY JOHNSON: 2B – Atlanta Braves – .125-AVG; .396-OPS; 0-HR; 5-R; 2-RBI; 2-SB; 12-K

"Tell them I quit... for love of the game." Wait... did I just imagine Kelly Johnson saying that to Kelly PReston or did it really happen?

"Tell them I quit... for love of the game." Wait, did I just imagine Kelly Johnson saying that to Kelly Preston or did it really happen?

Kelly Johnson was given a free ride on the pine pony by manager Bobby Cox for about two-thirds of July. That’s how pathetic his June was.

The 27-year-old second baseman hit .287 in 2008 and 16 home runs the year before. Atlanta thought they had found their second baseman of the future.

This season, they aren’t so sure. What the Braves are sure of is they would rather play Martin Prado at this point in time.

Kelly Johnson has been playing more like Kelly Preston. And it’s not for love of the game.

So congratulations Kelly Johnson, you join the ranks of super duds Armando Galarraga and Chien-Ming Wang as the winners of a hallowed Poop Sundae.

Cheers. Enjoy carrying that load around.

July 2009 Poop Sundae Nominations:

EDISON VOLQUEZ: SP – Cincinnati Reds – DL – Tommy John Surgery

One hates to pile it on, but Volquez owners everywhere held memorial services for the young right hander’s career. Even in keeper leagues he became virtually useless once he underwent the knife.

He will not make a major impact on a pennant, or fantasy, race until at least 2011.

No one likes to see someone’s career in jeopardy and in all likelihood Volquez will make it back, potentially for a brief stint at the end of 2010. But who knows if he’ll ever regain the form he showed throughout 2008.

JAY BRUCE: OF – Cincinnati Reds – .138-AVG; .379-OPS; 0-HR; 0-R; 1-RBI; 5-K; DL

Here’s another player who saw his young rising star begin to fade in July via the injury bug. The thing is, Bruce’s fractured wrist actually helped relieve Reds fans who were growing tired of watching him suffer through at-bats.

I want you to do something for your ol’ pal Ben – every time you hear someone guarantee Stephen Strasburg or Bryce Harper’s future in MLB, please, remember Jay Bruce.

Remember the kid with the sweet, but violent swing. The one who couldn’t miss, only he did at an alarming rate, with 110 strikeouts in only 108 games in 2008.

Remember the No. 12 overall pick from 2005, who despite 21 home runs in only 413 at-bats last year, had an OPS of but .767.

And lastly remember the left handed outfielder with such a knack for hitting, he was a sure thing to become the next David Justice, only instead he has been more like Ryan Klesko in his later years (C’mon Padre fans, don’t act like you don’t remember).

There are no sure things in baseball. Just ask the Reds who have had to patiently wait out Bruce’s struggles in 2009, only to receive a .207 batting average for their troubles.

BRANDON WEBB: SP – Arizona Diamondbacks – DL – Shoulder Surgery

Who could have guessed Webb wouldn't be the D-Backs best pticher this year? Well, actually... we could have, and did.

Who could have guessed Webb wouldn't be the D-Backs best pticher this year? Well, actually... we could have, and did.

Here lies another front line starter who decided to cash in his chips. Webb said, “Thanks a lot, but that’s enough for me.”

Since there’s not much more to say about Webb other than he broke more hearts this year than Richard Jefferson, let’s end with a fantasy baseball tale.

Webb has been sidelined since he made his first and only start on April 6. For some reason an all-around jerk a guy in my keeper league traded our own Dan Miller, Mark Teixeira in a deal which brought him Webb, Adam Lind and an obvious playing way over my head guy in Russell Branyon.

Not a good trade.

But that’s what you get a majority of the time, when you deal for an injured arm.

(We’re looking straight at you Kenny Williams.)

GEOVANY SOTO: C – Chicago Cubs – .222-AVG; .841-OPS; 1-HR; 1-R; 3-RBI

Concluding our list of the banged up is Soto, whom I nearly didn’t even add to the list after seeing his batting average for the months of April, May and June, which was .109, .278 and .257 respectively.

For Cubs fans and fantasy owners, Soto’s six games played in July were six too many.

Still Soto cracks the list, largely due to his near uncontrollable hype leading into the ’09 MLB season.

Maybe he isn’t the next Mike Piazza after all.

JOHNNY CUETO: SP – Cincinnati Reds – 1-4-W/L; 8.16-ERA; 2.02-WHIP; 7.80-K/9

Cueto was absolutely filthy in April and May, passable in June, and well, you can see how his July went.

Let’s just say he is no longer seeing P.T. in my auction dynasty league.

Between Cueto and Volquez, the Reds are having rubber-induced diarrhea from the mound. Add Jay Bruce to the equation…

I feel like a couple of dirtbags burst in Cincy’s clubhouse door and peed on their rug.

“Did I urinate on your rug?”

“You mean, did you personally come and pee on my rug?”

“Do you speak English sir? Parla usted Inglese?”

ADRIAN GONZALEZ: 1B – San Diego Padres – .198-AVG; .713-OPS; 4-HR; 10-R; 12-RBI; 22-K

It’s always fun to nominate a Padre for a Poop. But that’s not the sole reason for naming Gonzalez. The main reason would be the nasty habbit he has been developing of late. Gonzalez has perfected the art of the disappearing power. It’s quite the trick actually. Pre-All-Star break the 27-year-old first baseman slugs with the best of them. Post break? Nothing. Nothing at all.

As a Dodgers fan, it brings a joyful tear to my eye. As a baseball fan, I find it disheartening.

Playing in the National League, Gonzalez already has a tough enough time gaining the recognition he would rightfully deserve, should he ever be able to play the second half like the first. Fighting for press time with fellow NL first basemen Prince Fielder, Ryan Howard, Joey Votto and oh by the way, Albert Pujols, is difficult enough without his power outages.

With that said, I can’t wait to see him in Dodger blue soon. It nearly happened this year, my bet is if the same offer is on the table in the offseason, L.A. pulls the trigger.

AARON HARANG: SP – Cincinnati Reds – 0-4-W/L; 6.00-ERA; 1.64-WHIP; 8.80-K/9

Is this Aaron Harang?

Is this Aaron Harang? Hmm...

If I swore on Clayton Kershaw’s sky diving breaking ball, that when I set out to write this blog, I had no idea that four of the first seven players would be Cincy players, would you believe me?


I don’t blame you. But I assure you nonetheless this wasn’t my intention. It’s not my fault the Reds blow.

By the by, if Harang was any good at all, tell me he wouldn’t be known as the Harangutang.

I cannot be convinced otherwise. Just look at the guy. Reddish, orange hair – check. Drooping cheeks – double check. A bit husky – triple check. Plus you get the feeling if anyone ever charged the mound on him, Harang would just start flinging his own poop at the advancing opponent.

Aaron Harangutang you are one sick, twisted dude.

But I can’t fault you for it.

VICTOR MARTINEZ: C/1B – Boston Red Sox – .175-AVG; .530-OPS; 1-HR; 4-R; 10-RBI; 10-K

Nope, this one definately is Harang. The hair on the chin gives it away.

Nope, this one is definitely Harang. The hair on the chin gives it away.

Victor Martinez is a heck of a hitter, he just didn’t hit much of anything in July. However, the move to Boston seems to have done him a bit of good, as his numbers have risen back to respectability in August.

That won’t help him here though. V-Mart is in a tight race with the likes of Bruce, Harang and Cueto for the lead Pooper.

Moving right along…

FRANCISCO LIRIANO: SP – Minnesota Twins – 0-2-W/L; 5.32-ERA; 1.44-WHIP; 8.40-K/9

The theory is if Lirano appears as a nominee often enough, eventually he is going to win. Which would be his first win in a looooong time. Or so it would seem.

It would appear that Liriano is finished as an elite starter. Can he resurrect himself as something other than a power pitcher with a killer slider?

He is going to have to if he wants to stay in the league.

MATT CAPPS: RP – Pittsburgh Pirates – 1-3-W/L; 3-SV; 10.12-ERA; 2.75-WHIP; 11.30-K/9



Dishonorable Mentions:

-Alexei Ramirez: More over-hyped than Dippin’ Dots. Borrowing a line from Dan Miller, “Dippin’ Dots… the ice cream of tomorrow, for the last twenty years.” That’s how I feel about Alexei.

-Carlos Peña: If nothing else, don’t say Peña doesn’t have power. The problem is, you can’t say he has anything else.

-Carlos Quentin: No legs to the rumor Quentin told Alex Rios not to come to Chicago based on the fact that Ozzie Guillen might try to plant one on him, should the Sox win another title.

-Jason Bay: Do Bay’s struggles with the Bo-Sox help ease the pain of Padres fans over the trade that never should have been? Nope, not one bit. But hey, at least Bay didn’t get, de-man-inized by Rick Porcello like his teammate.

-David Ortiz: We want to believe, we really do… actually we just want to feel again. ANYTHING. Anesthesia couldn’t make MLB fans any more numb these days.

  1. dwdowning619
    August 14, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    Bruce, Webb, Volquez are all on my dynasty auction league team … and injured so they shouldn’t count.

    Geo Soto gets my vote

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