Home > MLB, Poop Sundaes > ‘A-Rod’s Big, Round Girl Nipples’ Present: Poop Sundae Nominees: April 2009

‘A-Rod’s Big, Round Girl Nipples’ Present: Poop Sundae Nominees: April 2009


I have received a few reader e-mails from the old tmofmlb.com days, imploring me to bring back the Poop Sundae blog.

I’m pretty excited, as it has historically been one of my favorite running blogs to write.

For those who aren’t familiar with the parameters of the Poop Sundaes, I’ll quickly fill you in on the fun.

1) Obviously receiving a Poop is an abhorrent honor, which one tries to avoid like the swine flu.

(Was it just me or did that Mexican pig sound Italian?)

(The winking just slays me. And his ha-CHHH, at the end… priceless.)

2) The Poops originated as a fantasy baseball award, so stats will be used as the primary measuring stick. While not confined to this, more often than not I will lean towards nominating a player more likely to be owned in a fantasy league.

For example, I’m willing to bet you won’t see Juan Pierre cracking a list, but Matt Holliday is open game.

Also, everything is in play here. Anything that hurts a team counts. A trip to the DL, a suspension, missing time because you ran through a glass door, a Selena Roberts’ accusation; anything and everything goes. But stats will be the trump card.

3) Due to the quantity of work, starting pitching generally outweighs relief pitching. Like in Cy Young voting, it won’t be impossible for a reliever to take home a Poop over a starter, but realistically it should be much more difficult.

4)At the season’s end we will crown a NIHD MVP: Most Valuable Pooper.

5)The Poop Sundaes are feedback based blogs. You will vote (in the comment section) to determine the winners. Except to break ties, I will by and large stay out of the voting process.

If only ten readers vote, those ten will choose that month’s king pooper. If 500 vote, the same. Feel free to include your argument for the winner of your choice with your vote, so as to help induce others to choose your guy.

Now that you have a bit of background information at your fingertips, let’s dive headfirst into April’s pile of excrement.

The nominees…

SCOTT BAKER: SP – Minnesota Twins: 0-3; 9.82-ERA; 1.70-WHIP; 7.36-K/9

Baker beat out Twins teammate and fellow starting pitcher, Francisco Lirano, for this nomination. The young righty has three outings under his belt in ’09 with each of them being rough. His best line came from his April 27 start against Tampa Bay, when he lasted six innings and gave up four earned runs.

Not good.

RUSSELL MARTIN: C – Los Angeles Dodgers: .205-AVG; .559-OPS; 0-HR; 10-R; 11-RBI; 0-SB; 21-K

Russ-Mart is a top-three catcher for three reasons: batting average, home runs and stolen bases. He has a goose egg in the latter two categories to go along with his near Mendoza-line average.

LA has hit well in spite of Martin’s struggles with the stick, with Manny Ramirez, Orlando Hudson, Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp all playing well, but there is no doubt they want, and you (the fantasy owner) need, Martin’s bat to start heating up.

Russ is the first of three catchers to crack this list. If you own one of the others, you know your guy is another of the three.

MARK TEIXEIRA: 1B – New York Yankees: .200-AVG; .738-OPS; 3-HR; 11-R; 10-RBI; 12-K

Were there worse players last month? Heck, were there worse first basemen?

Yes. But considering where fantasy owners drafted Teixeira, and what the Yankees paid him, to leave him off this list would be an injustice. The Yanks expect five or six homers a month from him and at least .100 additional batting average points.

Needless to say these guyswon’t be writing Teixeira another song.

But these guys might.

(That Orioles song was a prime example of something being hilarious because of how awful it is. Seriously… just a terrible song, and yet here I am listening to it again. I imagine this is what it would sound like if a bunch of rats at the dump picked up a guitar, tried to clean themselves up a bit and sing us a song. You know, if rats could play the guitar and sing… whoops… listening to it again… LET’S GO O’s!)

CHIEN-MING WANG: SP – New York Yankees: 0-3; 34.50-ERA; 4.83-WHIP; 3.00-K/9

I can’t even begin to describe the joy I experienced while watching Wang get shelled by Cleveland on Fox’s Saturday Game of the Week on April 18.

It was such a satisfying experience.

In all seriousness though, Wang had such an awful month, if it were up to me, I’d throw in the towel on this blog right now and stop the fight. Wang would be the winner by TKO.

But it’s not up to me… it’s up to you.

So on we press.

JIMMY ROLLINS: SS – Philadelphia Phillies: .207-AVG; .534-OPS; 1-HR; 9-R; 6-RBI; 1-SB

Call me crazy, but for whatever reason prior to the season, I felt it wouldn’t be too far fetched to assume a 30-year-old Rollins would see his production begin to dwindle.

The power had already dropped, as his ’08 home run total (11) was the second lowest of his career, but his average (.277) was still somewhat respectable and he stole 47 bases, a career high.

But that was 2008. The first month of his ’09 season hasn’t gone well, at all. Stolen bases didn’t even salvage his horrible month, he swiped only one bag.

Rollins historically talks a lot of preseason trash, and all things considered, he was fairly quiet this off-season. Maybe if he starts talking he will start playing.

B.J. UPTON: CF – Tampa Bay Rays: .177-AVG; .546-OPS; 0-HR; 1-RBI; 21-K

The ‘innuendo’ Upton brother wanted Rays fans (and fantasy owners) to believe his ’08 power outage was primarily due to a since healed, troublesome shoulder. Which makes total sense seeing how he hit three bombs against the White Sox and four more against the Red Sox in the postseason, on that same shoulder.

Either way, the elder Upton’s ’09 April was worse than any of his ’08 months. Only his five swipes save him from total fantasy irrelevance.

His brother in the desert hasn’t fared much better.

Did they even train this off-season or just make forts and have nerf wars?

(As dorky as that was, tell me you wouldn’t kill to do something like that at your work. I would honestly give up an entire week’s worth of lunch breaks… maybe even a month’s worth.)

(By the by, my favorite running subplot is the guy with the coffee mug just casually walking around, as though all Hell isn’t breaking loose around him. Just another day at the office.)

COLE HAMELS: SP – Philadephia Phillies: 0-2; 7.27-ERA; 1.79-WHIP; 7.79-K/9

If you are well versed in your Hamels history (I outlined it here), it comes as no surprise the – enter descriptive synonym for “brittle” of choice here – lefty’s bout with a clean bill of health has once again proved to be as tough as any opponent he has faced.

Hamels was the World Series MVP and a trendy pick to win this year’s Cy Young (or more aptly, finish second behind Tim Lincecum).

Here in lies the problem: To win a Cy you must play in more than two-thirds of a season.

Oh, and you have to pitch well too.

BRIAN MCCANN: C – Atlanta Braves: .195-AVG; .748-OPS; 2-HR; 6-R; 7-RBI; 1-SB

You could argue the likes of Derrek Lee and David Ortiz (among others) have fared worse. I would counter that with McCann, more often than not, coming off the board as the first catcher drafted, owners are depending on his production much more than the likes of Lee or Ortiz, who were fantasy afterthoughts.

In their respective MLB contexts, Lee and Ortiz, while substantial to the success of their teams, have been mired in the “twilight slump” (the one that generally foretells the nightcap of a storied career). McCann should just now be getting to the thick of his career’s plot.

This blurred vision twist is not one fans and people associated with the Braves, wanted to see.

For his sake, let’s hope glasses do the trick.

Two catchers down, one to go…

GEOVANY SOTO: C – Chicago Cubs: .109-AVG; .398-OPS; 0-HR; 3-R; 2-RBI; 11-K

A special note to all those who liquidized their assets and exclusively bought Soto stock this season (or in keeper leagues, last year before your trade deadline): You seemed to overlook the fact that he was a first-year player, who had two good months the entire season.

You should have sold him when you had the chance, because he’s looking less like Victor Martinez and more like J.R. Towles these days.


Perhaps the most telling statistic of all from Soto’s ’09 season is his 46 at-bats though he never was deactivated for any reason, such as the DL.

I have read every excuse in the book for reasons Soto hasn’t hit, ranging from a sore shoulder to a possible hand injury. Whatever the source of his problem, the second-year catcher isn’t hitting when he plays, and he isn’t playing all that often.

Piniella has let Cubs fans in on the little secret he ever-so-gently already broke to Soto; he isn’t the full-time starter anymore.

Not a good month for the third catcher off the average board.

Anyone else’s fingers hurt? Hmm… I didn’t think so.

BRANDON WEBB: SP – Arizona Diamondbacks: 0-0; 13.50-ERA; 2.00-WHIP; 4.50-K/9

Aren’t sinkerballers supposed to be durable?

Four innings into Webb’s ’09 campaign and we found him broken down on the DL.

Maybe you should have just waited ten rounds and drafted Derek Lowe.

Like I did.

Dishonorable Mentions:

-Oliver Perez: Wild as always

-Brandon Phillips: Wishing he was as good as Votto.

-Alex Gordon: Taking career notes from Bobby Crosby.

-Derrek Lee: Old and boring.

-David Ortiz: Just plain sad. On the  plus side, a call to Canseco looming?

-J.J. Hardy: We can’t even look at you. Turn around before you get smacked.

-Francisco Liriano: “Are you my slider?” (Spin off on the popular children’s book.)

Categories: MLB, Poop Sundaes
  1. rootman34
    May 5, 2009 at 8:37 PM

    Okay Ben, I’ll throw you a bone here. I figure that I can/should take the time to write a comment or two. (P.S. I’ve had 4 Red Stripes tonight and I’m currently working on my fifth, so we’ll see how “drunken” this rant actually turns out.)

    So anyway, Ben, I have to say, you have done a great job in picking some pretty horrible players for the inaugural “notinhd.com” poop sundae blog. Now, even though I have already made my pick, I want to verbally destroy a couple of the other players before I reveal my choice of who should get the coveted “golden pooper scooper.” So, without further ado:

    Geovany Soto. Okay man, I understand this is your sophomore year and often times, players don’t live up to their rookie years…but really man? This bad? I mean, last year, you played (and by played, I mean hit) well for a rookie and WELL for a catcher. But, where did that go? In my book, there are three possibilities of sophomore years for players. The first is the “playing better than their rookie year”, aka Josh Hamilton. The second is the “playing about the same as their rookie year”. I admit that I’m a little buzzed and I can’t think of an example for this. (Screw all of you who are judging me right now.) The third, and last, is the “playing worse than their rookie year”. Geovany, I’ll let you pick. Which category do you think you fit in right now? I’ll give you a hint: your new bunk-mate is Josh Barfield.

    Mark Teixeira. Okay man, just so you know, I actually was a fan when you were in
    Texas. Then you went to Atlanta and I was still a fan. Then you went to Los Angeles, or Anaheim, or California, or wherever the damned Angels are from, and I didn’t completely hate you. However, now that you are a Yankee, I officially want you to die. I respect the skills bud, but, if you wouldn’t mind, tie yourself to Derek Jeter and jump off of a moving subway. Anyway, according to your stats, you weren’t that bad, if you were still playing with Texas, or Atlanta, or Los Ang…I mean Anah…I mean Calif…oh screw it. However, because you play in New York (and I don’t mean for the Mets, Rangers, Knicks, Jets, Islanders, or Giants), your stats are are downright horrible. And, considering how much money you’ve made since I started this “drunken rant”, your stats just plain suck. So…..keep up the good work, Tex! Again, like I said, I’ve got nothing but respect for you homie.

    Okay, I’ve finished my fifth Red Stripe and am now on my sixth, so I should probably finish this up. Here is my pick:

    BJ Upton. So man, how does it feel when I say that if you where hitting twenty points higher, you’d still be gazing UP in agony at the infamous Mendoza line. (As a related sidenote, did you know that Mario Mendoza actually had a lifetime batting average of .215, not .200? It’s true, look it up.) Sorry BJ, I didn’t mean to steal any attention away from this well-deserved victory speech I’m making in your honor. Dude, you have struck out almost a third of your at-bats so far. Come on man, your younger brother is (statistically speaking) beating you up right now. Ask Ben, younger brothers are NEVER supposed to be able to beat up their older brothers. Oh dude, and I really have to respect the big fat zero in your home run column. I mean, that just makes me so happy and warm inside because it allows me to believe that anyone, even I, can play at a major league calliber level. Thank you so much BJ. You have made my day.

    Sweet sassy molassy.

  2. rlpologuy
    May 6, 2009 at 8:51 PM

    My vote goes to Chien Ming Wang. When your ERA is higher than you age you deserve to be refered to as “poop”. As a former owner of Wang, I waited, and waited, and waited for him to turn it around. Then came his greatest moment against Cleveland. So here’s to you Chien Ming Wang, “POOP ON YOU!!!!”

  3. wstuchell
    May 17, 2009 at 6:53 AM

    While I cannot claim to be drunken as the loved and infamous Root, I can claim to be absolutely disgusted with the state of my offense. Luckily in the past few days I have made several moves to overhaul my offense. These moves should take my offense from outright horrendous to simply horrible.

    Alas as I do not think my entire offense was nominated for its lack of consistency I do believe that I will have to vote for my own player. Mr. Soto, would you please step forward. Last year as a rookie I took a chance and was pleasantly surprised by your production and aptitude at the plate. However, given the fact that you currently are hitting more like an 80 year old pre-op cataract patient then a 26 year old elite catcher I believe that you should receive the coveted and prestigious poop sundae. I hereby cast my vote for you. Maybe you should have taken some batting practice in the Cat House hallway to better hone your swing this offseason. Either that or perhaps you should have taken Pedro Cerano’s advice and said “**** you Jobu, I do it myself.” Either way man, start hitting, or you will soon find yourself without a home on my team. You have hereby been warned.

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