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Got Mail?

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As promised I have a very special guest here with me today, and he is ready to answer the gopher balls out of your questions. You’re not ready. You can’t be.

The thunder is coming – can you feel it?

So who is he?

Britton Dennis – all 1.21 gigawatts of him.

Britton agreed to tag team the Got Mail? blog in about a nano-second when I popped him the idea. He was ecstatic. And you all delivered the goods for us with some beautiful questions.

Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be one heck of a ride…

(That may have been the most outstanding random YouTube video I have ever stumbled upon. Just… WOW)

Where were we? Oh yes, quesitons. Let’s kick things off with a bang, shall we?

NIHD doesn’t pull punches.

 

Doug, SD

Ryan Root; the way God intended.

Ryan Root; the way God intended.

What would you be willing to do in order to guarantee a fantasy league championship?  Sell a child? Chop off a limb?  Kiss Ryan Root?

Ben: First off this Q came from one of our friends, Doug Downing. Doug is in pretty much every one of our fantasy leagues, has yet to win one, and obviously doesn’t think very highly of Ryan Root, who is another league member and friend of ours. Doug enclosed this photo and caption when this is clearly NOT Ryan Root.

Shame on you Doug, but still, a solid effort in the bus-throw department.

As to your question, I can’t legitimately suggest selling a child as I don’t have one, that is unless I can sell yours. Which I would do in a heartbeat.

I wouldn’t be willing to chop off a limb, and definitely wouldn’t kiss the guy to your right – so what would I do?

Here’s a quick list:

1) I would absolutely wear a mask, a sign on my back with the name Ichiro on it, and one on the front that says “contact hitter”, wearing nothing else but a chilly Seattle breeze while streaking around the front entrances to Safeco on a game day.

2) I would pretend to be his cousin and stick A-Rod in Yankee Stadium. If for no other reason than to put the video on YouTube. C’mon, like you wouldn’t watch that.

3) I would get myself on Kiss-Cam and in front of my wife and everyone else in the stadium, start straining and grunting with my face turning red and veins popping out of my neck as I mimed the most massive constipation the world has ever seen. I’d even be sweating… that’s dedication my friends.

 

Steve, MA

The “Obama has risen” train has seemingly slowed down, but still, the energy he brought with his campaign was unbelievable. In terms of what they did (or will do) or what they represented, who are the athletic equivalents to our last three presidents?

Britton: I find that sports and politics should never be in the same bed together. I’m thinking the Seattle Sonics, Los Angeles Raiders, Cleveland Browns Part I and Frank McCourt. Come to think of it, that was all about money. Come to think of it, politics are usually about money.

Where was I?

Barrack Obama is the living, walking cliche, so the player you have to compare him to is the ultimate cliche: LeBron James. Both came into their jobs with huge pre-job hype, major publications were writing breathless articles about both of them years before their actual ascension, and both are still hugely popular despite nothing changing much in their first couple months in the job (Cavs were still 12 games under .500 his rookie year, and you’re still losing your house).

Good thing Bush isn't drinking Grey Goose. It would have been uncanny.

Good thing Bush isn't drinking Grey Goose. It would have been uncanny.

George W. Bush is Maurice Clarett. His freshman year, he couldn’t do anything wrong (much like GW). Then as the calendar turned to the sophomore year, things started coming off the rails. Clarett filed a false police report, Bush filed a false claim of WMD’s. Clarett was suspended from Ohio State and wasn’t seen for a year. Bush took over 70 days of vacation in one year. Clarett was found with Grey Goose and a katana blade, Bush helped katana the economy alongside the rest of Congress. Both are symbols of mockery and shame. Both have fled to obscurity. Both conjure images of negativity and foolish decisions. But for all that went wrong, there were defining characteristics of both that will maybe one day be admired again. Clarett being one of the most clutch freshmen to ever play college football, and the way our cowboy president looked at the camera and made us all feel for just a moment that all the towers in the world couldn’t bring down the idea that is America.

Sorry, but Bill Clinton is Kobe Bryant. Its too easy. Both had huge success in the early parts of their career, both had a major sex scandal mar the intermediate time of their careers, and both are and have struggled to get to where they were post-scandal. For all of Clinton’s successes, he really was a “lame-duck” president in his second term, not being able to navigate a Republican Congress. Kobe, after Shaq, has never reached the same heights even though his popularity has never been higher. Just like Bill Clinton. Both will have ended their careers relatively young, allowing them to pursue post-career hobbies. Clinton, on the public speaking tour, and Kobe will most likely save himself the trouble and open his own spa. The man is unstoppable, with or without witnesses.

 

Mikey, NY

Would you ever accept money a legal tender in a fantasy trade?

Ben: In my mind there are only three grounds for kicking a guy out of a league: collusion, bribery and murder.

That’s it. That’s the list.

Everything else from tanking to stupidity to just being an out and out arse hole, requires some other form of punishment.

Pranking a guy with a chainsaw for example.

Hopefully that answers your question.

 

R.J., Los Angeles,

Take it from me, L.A. is no longer “on the ledge” now that Manny is back. This guy is crazy good, but how good is he? Right now where does he rank in terms of game changing hitters? First? Third? Tenth? I think I just passed out thinking about it.

Britton: Right now, you have to consider Manny the second most feared hitter in the game. Say what you want about the Tim Duncan-like consistency of Albert Pujols, he’s the most devastating hitter in the game and the lone reason that anyone actually cares about the Cardinals anymore. But after Pujols, there is no one that keeps the men from the urinals and the women from their cell phones like Manny Ramirez. In Dodger Stadium, the electricity is off the charts, because the entire city believes that Manny can save the day. You cannot name another person in the game that can bring that to a team like he can. 

So yeah, I think as long as Manny is two-thirds of what he was last year in LA, your team will be ok. If not, there’s always the beach.

 

This may or may not be Ben's living room wall. It's yet to be proven, but almost too believable.

This may or may not be Ben's living room wall. It's yet to be proven, but almost too believable.

Dave, Seattle

David Wright or Evan Longoria? Make the sensible choice Bates. Put aside your Longoria bro-mance for five minutes and make an honest call.

Ben: If only it were that simple. You know what you are getting with Wright by now, or do you? People (including me) tend to forget the guy is only 26-years old. Has he peaked? Doubtfully. Wright already has one 30/30 season under his belt and has hit .309 during his 162-game average over five years in the bigs. His numbers have been off the charts, and he’s just now entering his prime. What else can the guy do?

With all of that said, Egore has shown power at every level, and while he may not have the speed Wright has, he played some pretty spectacular defense for a rookie third baseman last year. Longoria capped his season off by sending four of his seven hits against the Red Sox in the cheap seats. As you can see here, he didn’t really follow that by doing much of anything in the World Series.

So what am I trying to say?

I guess I’m saying Egore is the sexy pick, because he has the best young power stick in the bigs, this side of Ryan Braun, but since we already know what Wright can do and he’s about to enter his prime, Longoria probably isn’t the correct pick.

I’ll go with David Wright by a hair. Come back and talk to me at the All-Star break when Longoria is leading the league in homers though. I may have changed my mind.

 

Jin Su Park, Seosan

Korea beat Padres?

Britton: Mr. Park, you can sleep well knowing that Korea beat Padre long time.

Sorry, I mean… yes, they certainly can.

 

Matt, Fresno CA

Why don’t you ever write about basketball? March Madness is right around the corner, and the NBA is finally heating up. Throw us a bone Ben.

Ben: I’m sorry, I figured the fact that I’m root for USC and the Clippers answered that question for me.

Like it or not, it’s tough to get jazzed about the NBA (other than Wade’s crazy push to steal LeBron’s MVP right under his nose) when your favorite team is as pathetic as the Clips. Seriously, can they do anything right? They can’t even cheat correctly (see: Brand, Elton and Davis, Baron; under the table agreement).

I would follow the Trojans on the hardwood a bit more closely, but as I live in the Pac-North West, every time I turn on the radio I am forced to hear about how Jon Brockman, Isaiah Thomas, Justin Dentman and the rest of the Washington Huskies are God’s gift to Washington sports. It makes me want to hurl.

Seeing as the mere thought of Pac-Ten basketball makes me want to pop a squat on a rattle snake, I have tried to stay as far away from the topic as possible.

Plus baseball is back. Give me a break. I’m a baseball guy first, and everything else second.

 

Kobe will take you out if you don't pick him for MVP.

Kobe will tak you out if you don't pick him for MVP.

KB-24, Staples Center

Put your money where your mouth is Britton; LeBron, Wade or me for MVP?

Britton: I thought LeBron, but I hate that he acts like LeChild in big games this year. The Cavs are clearly second in the East or maybe third if my fears that they can’t match up with Dwight Howard and Magic are realized, but my heart is leaning to Wade. Wade has been dominating Sportscenter, he’s carrying Miami on his back, and is shattering the expectations that anyone had for him, coming off his major injury.

But we all know how this is going to end. Barring a huge collapse, the Lakers should be in the top-three in league record, and Kobe is playing more than well enough to deserve the award… Kobe Bryant, you’re going to be the MVP. I still leave room for LeBron, but Kobe has been big all season, even when it matters.  I’ve yet to see LeBron do the same more than here or there.

So congrats, Kobe.  This is Kobe, right?

Wow, a lot of Kobe talk tonight…

 

Jon, Seattle

Enjoy two more years of Alex Smith! This is so great, the Hawks get Housh, the Niners just retain tiny hands. We are coming for the Cardinals, and you guys are going backwards. SUCKA!!!

Ben: This is the kind of e-mail that boggles my mind. Housh was a great pick-up for the Seahawks, but really, are they that much better off? Do they have a running back? A stable quarterback? A linebacker who doesn’t fall asleep at the wheel with drugs? No? So how will they compete any more than this past season?

They won’t.

So if anything, that helps makes restructuring Smith’s contract easier to swallow.

Also, I’m not quite ready to give up on the guy. Does he stink? Probably, but was there a better option for SF? Trade for Kitna? Draft Mark Sanchez?

Really, I think the Niners are going to be ok without those two. They’ll live.

And they will still be better than the Seahawks.

I can’t wait for Matt Hasselbeck to roll an ankle or get shin splints in week four and watch as Seattle fans make more excuses for the un-development of Seneca Wallace and his typical – take the snap, back pedal seven steps, barely dodge a sack, and stumble forward out of bounds for a two yard loss.

It’s enough to make a man shed a tear.

Out of pure joy.

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